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July 17, 1999:

Well, this is day one of my weight loss journal. I'm not really sure what I should be writing in here so I'll just say whatever comes to mind. This journal entry is going to be kind of long since I have so many months to catch up on.

So let's see. I started taking Metabolife on March 7, 1999. I was at 354 pounds! OH MY GOD!! I was so miserable and unhappy with myself. And depressed. I had to do something. So I decided to try "Met". So far I've lost 39 pounds! As of last Sunday I was at 315. Weigh-in is tomorrow. I'm so happy because I have now been on this plan for 4 months - I've never stuck to it for this long. I'm so determined to lose the weight this time and KEEP it off! I HAVE to!! For my health! I'm not quitting until I'm at 150 pounds. I REFUSE TO GIVE UP!!!

A couple months ago I started to panic because I couldn't picture myself at my goal weight. I think that's because I've been fat my whole life and don't know what it's like to be anything but fat. How am I supposed to know what I'll look like at 150 pounds? I haven't been there for a long time! Since I was a child! I hate being this overweight. That's why I'm doing something about it. But anyway, I've learned that I have to think in terms of today. Not yesterday and not tomorrow. Today. Each day when I look in the mirror I will see less and less (literally) of the person I once was, and more and more of the person I will be. I don't know who I'll be at 150 pounds, and I'm not going to try to figure it out anymore, but I know I'll love her more than I loved the "old" me. It can't get much worse as far as self-image goes.

I have an emotional eating problem. I didn't even know what "emotional eating" was until the last time I tried to lose weight - which was about 2 years ago. During college I would sit at the dining room table doing my research and I would need Doritos and Pepsi to concentrate. Before college, I was actually down to 225 pounds, but by the time I left I was all the way up to 330. I managed to lose 10 pounds but then gained 34 pounds back. So that's where I was in March - at a whopping 354 pounds. And that's where Met came in. With Met I have almost no cravings. It helps me to make good food choices. It gives me more energy so I exercise. And I drink TONS of water! Because I'm making better food choices and exercising I feel better about myself. I know I'm doing something good for myself. And because I'm losing the weight slowly, I will keep it off.

Well, that brings me to today. I felt pretty bored today, which is one of the times when I have to stay OUT of the kitchen because of the emotional eating! I ate pretty well, but did give in to a blueberry pie. Oh well. I didn't let it get totally out of control! I hardly exercised at all this past week. Work was hectic and I was too tired when I got home. EXCUSES, EXCUSES!! I was going to wait until Monday to start over with the exercise. Well, today I suddenly got the urge to do some weight lifting. So I did! I felt much better afterwards. I even decided to start this journal! I had thought I was losing the motivation to exercise, but I got it back.

Tomorrow is my weigh-in. I hope I lost something. I'll also make a game plan for this next week. And an exercise schedule. I feel like I'm really going to do this!

July 18, 1999:

Great news!! I weighed in today and the scale said 313! So I'm down 2 more pounds for a total of 41.

I had the most delicious omelet for breakfast this morning. It was made with egg beaters and chicken. I didn't know if I would like it or not, but it was great! The only thing in it that was fattening was the cheese. But that's okay. I'm still within my calories for the day.

I went shopping today. I needed a new watch for the cruise. I wanted a "bracelet" type watch (without a stretch band) but I was afraid they wouldn't fit. But I tried one on anyway, and it fit! I was amazed! I really am getting thinner.

Okay, here's my game plan for the next week:

• Eat sensibly and count all calories.
• Drink 4 liters of water a day MINIMUM.
• Do Tae-Bo 3 times (Mon, Wed, Fri) and Weight Training 3 times (Tues, Thurs, Sat)
• Keep taking Metabolife

This is so exciting!! I'm losing weight! Just 7 more weeks till the cruise, and 14 more pounds before I get to 299. I can do this!!

July 19, 1999:

Today was a loooooong day at work. The grocery delivery was 2 hours late, and it was a relatively big grocery order, so I ended up staying over to put it away. I hadn't eaten all day (bad, I know) so I was getting really hungry. Those candy bars looked good to me. They were calling out my name! But I resisted. I'm so proud of myself! All I could think of doing was getting home to do Tae-Bo. That's what I was wondering about. With all the physical work I did today, and being as hungry as I was, I wonder if I was expecting too much of myself by doing the Tae-Bo after work. In any case, I felt great after the workout once I had dinner! The eating has become a habit, I think. A good habit. I still need to work on the exercise. That will be my focus the next few days.

July 22, 1999:

Work is really getting to me. I wonder if I'll ever be happy with my job. Today I felt like throwing everything I could get my hands on across the room. I felt like locking myself in my bedroom and crying! I must be getting stronger, though, since I did not eat because of these emotions. Talk about progress! I'm really proud of myself. I just hope my job situation gets better soon.

I've been keeping up with my exercise pretty well. I did Tae-Bo on Monday and Wednesday, and weight training on Tuesday. Nothing today, though. I have no excuse, either!! Today was a stressful day - I should have worked off some of the frustration on my exercise. I will get back on my program tomorrow.

I had pizza for lunch today - meeting at a pizza place. I limited myself very well, and still stayed within my calories.

July 25, 1999:

It's Sunday again, my weigh-in day. I'm down 3 more pounds!! This makes it a total of 44 pounds so far, and still going strong!

I didn't do very well on food today. Had five pieces of French toast this morning for breakfast. Then didn't eat any lunch. Dinner went well, but I was hungry at about 8 pm so I ate some bologna. And cheese. Bad choice and it's going to show up in my food journal. Oh, well - back on plan tomorrow. No use feeling guilty. I did my weightlifting, though. Here's my exercise schedule for the week:

• Sunday - weightlifting
• Monday - Tae-Bo
• Tuesday - nothing
• Wednesday - weightlifting
• Thursday - Tae-Bo
• Friday - weightlifting
• Saturday - Tae-Bo

I have 6 more weeks before the trip, and 11 more pounds to lose before I'm at 299. I'm going to do this!!

July 29, 1999:

I've always had a very negative self-image. This is probably due to the way I was treated by other kids when I was growing up. I never had many friends. Most of the kids were cruel. For example, imitating how I looked by puffing out their cheeks. And saying things like, "Watch out! Lisa's going to SIT ON YOU!" and everyone would run off screaming. That was in elementary school. In junior high school, I was once asked by a girl why I didn't just kill myself. That pretty much sums up how just about all the kids acted towards me. There were, of course, people who tried to be nice to me. I couldn't get close to them, either. I never knew if they were being genuine.

So as a result, I didn't like myself very much. I didn't like myself at all! I hated the way I looked. I wanted to hide in a corner where no one could see me, just to escape the embarrassment of people making fun of me. All I had going for me was my intelligence. I graduated 7th in my class of 532 people. But when I didn't succeed in college, even that seemed to be gone. I had nothing. I used food to deal with the feelings of emptiness. Loneliness. Self-hatred. I often thought of what that girl asked me in junior high school. Why didn't I just kill myself? I still don't know the answer to that question.

My highest weight ever was 354 pounds. I'm not sure what happened to change my way of thinking, but something clicked inside my head and I became totally committed to losing weight. I know it's going to take a long time to reach my goal. This is a journey for me, and I'm not stopping until I get to the end, wherever that is. I don't know what I'll look like when I reach my goal weight. Let's face it, I've been fat since childhood. But I've learned that I need to love who I am now if I have any chance of getting to my goal weight. That means:

• Eating right
• Drinking water
• Exercising
• Taking care of my skin
• Getting enough sleep
• Buying myself pretty things
• Wearing them
• Doing things to please myself
• Doing things for fun

I'm sure there are more, and I will add them as I go along. I still have a long way to go on some of these. But as I always say, one step at a time. One day at a time. I have the rest of my life to work on them, but I have to work on them every day, starting now.

For example, today I felt pretty crummy because I had to cover the afternoon shift at work. But I put on some makeup, my new CZ earrings, and the matching necklace. And I feel great! I don't feel like people are staring at me. They are looking at me, but I don't mind it. I don't want to hide in the corner with my eyes on the floor so no one notices me. I'm making progress. Every day, I am getting closer to the end of this journey, even though I do not know where the end will be. All that really matters is that I'm getting closer to knowing where it is.

July 31, 1999:

I'm so bored. I'm home here by myself, and there's nothing to eat. Mom has my car so I can't even go get anything. I already had one bologna sandwich today. And now I'm eating another one. I feel like eating all the bologna in the refrigerator because it's the only thing in there! I should go and do Tae-Bo. But I can't make myself. I already took my shower and then I sat on my bed and cried, because I know I should have done Tae-Bo. Oh, well. Tomorrow's another day.