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I have been overweight my whole life. I can't remember what my exact weights were as a child, but I do know that I was always "chubby". My parents never made a big deal out of it, except to say that it was cute! So it never bothered me, at least when I was very young. As I grew up, I realized that being "chubby" wasn't as cute as my parents made it out to be.
My poor eating habits started back in my childhood. When I was about 6 years old I was over a friend's house eating cereal with her. It doesn't sound all that unhealthy, except for the fact that we put about 1/4 cup of sugar on each of our bowls of cereal. We did it on purpose, calling ourselves "sugar freaks" the entire time. I also used to raid the refrigerator when my parents weren't around. One of my favorites was Soft Batch Chocolate Chip Cookies. I would eat a whole row at a time. My parents didn't seem concerned about my weight, even though the kids at school would make fun of me. They would say things like:
- "Watch out, or Lisa is going to sit on you!"
- "You see that BIG pair of boots? That has to be Lisa's!"
- "I'm not sitting next to Lisa on the bus! She'll squish me!"
The list goes on and on. I tried not to let it bother me, as they were just kids. Besides, as long as my parents weren't bothered by it, then it must be okay. However, one day when I was about 8 or so, my mother and I were shopping for new clothes and she bought me some underwear. They were size 9. She didn't say a word to me about it, but when we got home and she thought I wasn't listening, I heard her tell my father, "I had to get Lisa size 9 underwear." He said, "Size 9???" with a shocked look on his face. It was then that I took a good look in the mirror for the first time. Was I fat? Was something wrong with me? Were my parents ashamed of me because I wore size 9 underwear?
From then on, anytime someone said something about my weight, it bothered me. One time when I was about 10, I was at a wedding reception. I went to the table where the food was and started putting some on my plate. A guy that I didn't even know (he must have been about 50 years old) came up to me and said, "Are you sure you should be eating all that? It looks to me like you should lose a few pounds!" Now that I think about it, he was just plain rude, but at the time I just let the food sit on my plate, uneaten.
The earliest weight that I can remember is 190 pounds at age 12. It went uphill from there. Starting junior high school is stressful enough in itself, but being overweight made it even harder. I pretty much cut myself off from everyone around me so that I didn't have to face the embarrassment of them making fun of me. I usually made eye contact with no one. One day when I was standing in the lunch line, however, I happened to glance behind me and meet eyes with the girl who was standing behind me. She immediately said, "Don't look at me!" and started giggling with her friends. I quickly turned around, sorry that I had made the mistake of making eye contact with someone. Another girl once asked me why I didn't just kill myself. Oh, that made me feel just great!! Not only was I fat, but I also wasn't worth anything.
When I started high school, I was 285 pounds. By the time I graduated, I managed to get down to 225. Because I basically had no social life, I turned to my studies. As a result, I excelled in school. I graduated 7th in my high school class of 532 people, with a GPA of 4.6 (some of my "honors" classes were worth 5 points for an "A"). Now it was time for college. Because I had so much success in high school as far as my studies go, I decided on a tough major - Chemical Engineering. I soon found myself very overwhelmed. I was also working a full time job at the time, in a management position. I would go to college in the morning, come home, grab a bag of Doritos and a can of Pepsi, work on my research for a while, then go to work for 8 hours, and then come home just in time to go to bed. That was a typical day. It got to the point where I needed those Doritos and Pepsi in order to concentrate on my work because it stressed me out so much. It was frustrating to not understand the work, and not to have enough time (because of my job) to figure it out properly. I stuck with that major for 3 years, because my parents were happy, but then I decided that I just could not do it anymore. I changed my major to Computer Science, which I enjoyed. But by that time I was so burned out that I could not handle it anymore, so I just quit. I once had only my brain, and now I didn't even have that. I felt like a failure. I turned to food to fill the voids in my life. I would eat until I was stuffed, but it never really worked.
By the time I left college, I was 330 pounds. I did try to lose weight several times, but I could never stick with it. One time I did manage to lose 10 pounds, but I gained it all back and then some. That's where I was in March, 1999 - 354 pounds. My highest weight ever, at the age of 25. I didn't really care about myself at that time. But I knew I had to do something, or I would reach 400 pounds before the end of the year, and I don't know what I would have done if that happened. So I decided to try Metabolife, not really thinking that it was going to work. Once the pounds started to come off, my weight loss journey had begun.
Since then, I have learned several things about myself and my weight loss.
- In the past, I never made a lifestyle change. This time, it's forever.
- I have an emotional eating problem. I sometimes eat for the wrong reasons, such as being stressed or lonely. Now that I know I have this problem, I can take steps to overcome and control it.
- I am worth something!! I am the most important person in my life. Without me, what kind of life would I have?
- I can't do it alone. I need support! I found my support in the form of a great online Metabolife support board. These people truly understand what I am going through, so I can tell them anything.
- I didn't put this weight on overnight. It took me 25 years to put it on, so it's going to take a while for me to get it off, and I'm okay with that. This is a journey for me, and I am enjoying the ride.
It is my dream to be thin someday. Not only so I look better, but so I am healthier and happier as well. I have no idea what I am going to look like at 150 pounds. All I know is someday, I will get there. I am determined! And when I do, I will start a new journey of weight maintenance that will last for the rest of my life.
